#9

I love people.  I hate people.

Today, while I was walking there was a boy who came up behind me on his bicycle.  I'm going to guess he was between the ages of 13 and 16.  It's so hard to tell anymore for me.  The styling of young teen males is so very odd anymore.  But that is besides the point.  I stepped off of the path to let him pass by more easily.  Then to my shock and pleasure he thanked me for doing so, made eye contact, and wished me a nice day.  I love people.  This sort of interaction is so very rare for me, but it is how I think folks ought to be.  My day was made by this boy.  He will never know.

On my second stroll I was stuck in the median on Algonkian for a while waiting for traffic to clear so I could cross.  A man pulls out in front of me and as he is accelerating he does a double take, just so that he can look me up and down.  I realize my hair is pink, but this was... He didn't look at my hair he looked at my chest, my legs.

I also had this horrific experience of feeling as though I was the slut in a rap video.  It was...so queer.  I refer specifically to the video for the Hollywood Undead song "Comin' in Hot".  In the official music video the group is dressed a group of Mexican migrant farmers.  They begin to talk of all the things they want these girls to do in such a vulgar manner.  It's funny until it happens to you.  There was a group of hispanic guys and they were planting some trees just next to the sidewalk.  As I approached they stopped their work.  Some leaned on their rakes and they just stared.  The started saying stuff in Spanish and the tone of voice just made me feel awful.  They said some things in English too, and they were not polite.

Oh!  The way that makes me feel!  It is as though I am nothing, no one, just a body.  I have no thoughts, dreams, or opinions.  I detest that it is so very easy for people to do that to me.  My feelings of insecurity suddenly skyrocket and I desire nothing more than to become so tiny you cannot see me any longer.  Ugh!  I hate it.  I wish that I could control myself better in that regard.

Stopped into Walmart this eve to pick up a few things and when I was in the DEODERANT aisle these 2 guys come down to "buy some deoderant".  Yeahhhh.  They'd been eyeballing me as I was doing some other shopping and I'd heard them saying rude crap too.  "I'd tap that."  Nope, sorry, buddy.  I wanted to tell them to use they arrows they were buying to shove the hot dogs they were buying up their asses and stop ogling me.  My hair is pink.  That's the only thing that made it acceptable to stare at me.  I wasn't dancing, or wearing crazy clothes or.....anything crazy!

New goal: Lose control.  I have been so perfectly controlled for too long.  I have so many impulses, and I should act on them sometimes!  It's okay to do that sometimes.  It's healthy too.  So, that's what I'm gonna work on.  :)