#9

I love people.  I hate people.

Today, while I was walking there was a boy who came up behind me on his bicycle.  I'm going to guess he was between the ages of 13 and 16.  It's so hard to tell anymore for me.  The styling of young teen males is so very odd anymore.  But that is besides the point.  I stepped off of the path to let him pass by more easily.  Then to my shock and pleasure he thanked me for doing so, made eye contact, and wished me a nice day.  I love people.  This sort of interaction is so very rare for me, but it is how I think folks ought to be.  My day was made by this boy.  He will never know.

On my second stroll I was stuck in the median on Algonkian for a while waiting for traffic to clear so I could cross.  A man pulls out in front of me and as he is accelerating he does a double take, just so that he can look me up and down.  I realize my hair is pink, but this was... He didn't look at my hair he looked at my chest, my legs.

I also had this horrific experience of feeling as though I was the slut in a rap video.  It was...so queer.  I refer specifically to the video for the Hollywood Undead song "Comin' in Hot".  In the official music video the group is dressed a group of Mexican migrant farmers.  They begin to talk of all the things they want these girls to do in such a vulgar manner.  It's funny until it happens to you.  There was a group of hispanic guys and they were planting some trees just next to the sidewalk.  As I approached they stopped their work.  Some leaned on their rakes and they just stared.  The started saying stuff in Spanish and the tone of voice just made me feel awful.  They said some things in English too, and they were not polite.

Oh!  The way that makes me feel!  It is as though I am nothing, no one, just a body.  I have no thoughts, dreams, or opinions.  I detest that it is so very easy for people to do that to me.  My feelings of insecurity suddenly skyrocket and I desire nothing more than to become so tiny you cannot see me any longer.  Ugh!  I hate it.  I wish that I could control myself better in that regard.

Stopped into Walmart this eve to pick up a few things and when I was in the DEODERANT aisle these 2 guys come down to "buy some deoderant".  Yeahhhh.  They'd been eyeballing me as I was doing some other shopping and I'd heard them saying rude crap too.  "I'd tap that."  Nope, sorry, buddy.  I wanted to tell them to use they arrows they were buying to shove the hot dogs they were buying up their asses and stop ogling me.  My hair is pink.  That's the only thing that made it acceptable to stare at me.  I wasn't dancing, or wearing crazy clothes or.....anything crazy!

New goal: Lose control.  I have been so perfectly controlled for too long.  I have so many impulses, and I should act on them sometimes!  It's okay to do that sometimes.  It's healthy too.  So, that's what I'm gonna work on.  :)

#8 pink hair

Ahhhhhh!

Happy Leap Day!!!

So yesterday my dream was realized: I colored my hair.  I went and got it bleached and colored a hue called "Virgin Rose".  I absolutely LOVE it!  While I was expecting something rather more purple, this is simply delicious and I am just ecstatic.

I'm feeling really refreshed too.  Lots of people hate it: my dad, my brother, random strangers, my friends.  Lots of people love it: my mom, my sisters, my littlest brother, random strangers, my friends.  Mainly all I care about is that I love how it turned out.  I love how it makes me feel.  I do not give a fuck what anyone thinks of it.  I really do not.  If they don't like it, then I suggest that they not color their hair in this bold fashion.

For the record, I will wear a camo hat on top of this craziness.  I will wear a dress and heels with this.  I'm gonna umpire softball with this hair.  I am gonna have a happy, crazy, super swell start to my 20th year of life.  Thanks be to God for the smart people who figured out how to do crazy stuff like this to hair!

#7

Why won't you talk about whatever the hell you feel like you need to talk about?  Did you know that you drive me crazy?  I am an obsessive person.  And you say things all the time but never explain them which causes me to obsess over you.  Is this something that you do on purpose?  Does it feel good to know someone is thinking of you?  Cause if you say something nice I think about you for longer and with fonder memories.  


The Zone: I am still so curious and confused.  Before I fall asleep, as I am on the edge of consciousness, thoughts of the zone and what it is, what it means, and why you won't explain it to me jar me back to cruel reality.  When you listened to me go on and on about my disjointed, unclear memories of far of lands and my time there I was struck by how special you were.  When that memory passes behind my eyelids as I am balanced on the edge of consciousness it provides a gentle push.  


I land in a comfortable place.  There I can smile and run through sprinklers in a dress.  Won't you please, ______, come with me?  Leave reality and come with me.  ______, you can understand my joys and maybe have some of your own.  We can play musical chairs and when we lunge as the music stops neither of us will get rug burns... The chair will become a trampoline.  Jumping so high, together we can fly to the moon.  Why are you fingers so cold, ______?


It's okay if you don't want to come with me, ______.  You can stay in reality.  I promise that I will still visit you, ______, and bring you pistachios that I grew on the moon.


Good-night.

#6 giant spoons

Sometimes I let outside forces have rather too great an affect on me.  I talk to an angry, bitter, resentful little person and let his goading, his rage, his sadness wash over me and take hold of me!  He is able to possess me and wreck havoc through me.  But no longer will I stand for his bull shit.  I never really have, but I've always been more understanding.  Well now, I don't really care if he feels understood.  Why should I, when he makes no attempt to reciprocate?  The result is just taxing on my spirit.  Especially when I'm sick, exhausted, and emotionally spent. Then I just cannot.

I rather love him though, and I count him as a friend.

Ugh, I don't know.  I would like to kill him.  RIGHT bloody now.

Rather than ending his life, I shall use a giant spoon to eat my remaining cereal.  I will laugh at the absurdity of it.  I will savor the taste and feel of chocolate on my tongue.  I will let go and instead of being his friend I will be the wall he talks to when he's alone.

#5 haircut

When I make a decision to do something I just want to do it!  I hate to then have to wait, and plan more, and wait, and wait.  So when I made up my mind to cut off a good chunk of hair and then had to wait a week or so for it to happen as we found a day that all the women in the family could go, I got a little annoyed.  The other day we went and hot damn!  The last haircut I'd had, even to trim off the split ends, had been summer (sometime?) 2011.  A while at least.  I cut off a more than 6 inches and it just feels liberating.  I feel free, flouncy, sassy, and much bolder.  I can't imagine what I'll feel like after I color it purple!  

#4

"There ain't no dark till something shines.  I'm bound to leave this dark behind.  Ride the blue wind high and free.  She'll lead you down to misery, leave you low, come time to go.  Alone and low as low can be."


I love this song.  It's called "Rex's Blues".  Simultaneously melancholy and comforting, I keep listening to it, even though the version I have is a *girl* singing it!  Haha...oi...

#3 ten things I know to be true

1.  I will forever be short.  I am stuck at the most annoying height of 5'3".  Not average, yet not quite short.
2.  Without music I would go clinically insane.  I almost did one weekend till I sneaked into the car to listen to satellite radio.
3.  The sun will shine tomorrow even if I don't feel like it should.
4.  Blood is red.  It is also very metallic and when shed in great quantities lethal.
5.  I have an addiction to shine, color glitter, sparkle, and smiling.
6.  The coolest people are the ones that sit in the shade doing nothing.
7.  The hottest people are the ones out in the sunshine living life.
8.  Dog food does not taste very delicious.
9.  High-waist, tapered jeans are unflattering on everyone.
10.  Ice cream is the sweetest,  most delicious, most magically mystical substance.  Ever.