# 20 ("This one's for the girls.")

This is (sorta) taken from my journal. I wrote this very early a few mornings ago at 0128 I was still awake. I'd just hung up the phone. I'd been talking to a friend of mine.

I was restless. I went form Boykin to my Bible. The TV to the gerbils. Computer to the Wii. Family to being alone. I wasn't bored. I wasn't lonely. I was restless. Actually, Sara Evan's 'Restless' was very much me. Anyways...

It all started with a simple (grimple, EMMA!!!) status on Gtalk. "Mariah is restless... Just rambling... What do I do? Where do I go?" Then there was my friend. =D Oi. Thank you, God!!! <3>The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" Yeah... Now you wouldn't hear that verse and think "I am beautiful." I surely didn't think that. But that is kinda my point. Beauty is so much about personality, heart, attitude. The physical is just secondary. I not only know my attitude, heart, mind, thoughts, etc. but I know how I look in a physical way too. Add all that together and I can see myself better than almost anyone else. God, of course, knowing me better than ANYONE. =D Anyways. I'm not beautiful and I know I am not. I know I am not because I know me. I know how.... awful I am. My friend helped me out though. He pointed out that verse to me? And yeahhh... He reminded me that ALL of us are wicked. He asked me if I thought that most girls were beautiful. I said yes. He asked me why I thought I was the only exception to that. I couldn't honestly say why I thought that. Because I know that all of us are wicked and depraved. I couldn't say that I was necessarily more wicked than anyone else... He told me that there was a bit of a problem in my thought process. He pointed out that while we are all wicked and such, we are ALSO created in God's image. "So what? I know that", was all I could think. All I could do was listen to him and roll my eyes waiting for the point to be made so that I could say all that was wrong with it. But as I listened, butt numb from sitting upon the bathroom counter for so long, my involuntary eye-rolls decreased. The point was that becaise we are made in God's image there is going to be some beauty in us--That what makes us beautiful is God's light and love shining through us. Apparently my problem is that I can see God's love shining through so many people, yet I refused to see it in myself. Let's just say that in the conversation that followed I was told I was beautiful about 3 times and each time I was fighting my instinct to roll my eyes.

By refusing to see our beauty we are telling God that we are displeased with the way He made us. We are telling Him that there is some MORE BEAUTIFUL than God and His love. So. The next time I am told I am beautiful... I will accept it. I will try not to roll my eyes, and I will say thank you. I will let all the praise do to the one who created me, my Heavenly Father.

God, thank you. Thank you for my wonderful friend and his friendship.

Sooo... You can... Maybe you understand what I am trying to say. Maybe I just rambled an awful lot. Who knows. =P

"This one's for the girls// Who've ever had a broken heart// Who've wished upon a shooting star// You're beautiful the way you are// This one's for the girls// Who love without holding back// Who dream with everything they have// All around the world// This one's for the girls."

Now... I hadn't really planned on sharing this. It is kinda personal. But then I thought of my friends... All those beautiful girls I know. The ones that have been feeling a little down... A little ugly. You're not alone. And you're NOT ugly. You're beautiful. You're just the way God wants you to be. And I love you. I daresay that the girls I am talking to are well aware that I mean them... ;)

Anyways! =D I think I'm done. I think I got out all my thoughts... The only real question is if they are going to make any sense to anyone... =P

Your Sister In Christ,
~Mariah